Today in the car as I was driving from therapy to work, I was thinking about the seat warmers in my car, which I seem to enjoy using even on 80 degree days, and I decided that the two best physical sensations I have encountered in my life thus far are:
1. In college, when I would save my first cigarette of the day until after an enormous breakfast in the dining hall. Holy hell was that first cigarette wonderful if I could hold out until after breakfast.
2. The feeling of my car seat warmer on my butt. If I'm being honest, it feels good on my butthole. Perhaps that's a little too much information. Let's pretend I didn't say that and I just said my butt. It feels good on my butt. The cheeks.
I haven't written in awhile, and it's because life is...well....it's hard to write about. It's hard to fit the enormity of all the things that are going on into one stupid little blog post. Sam is going to turn 14 soon, which is nearly unbelievable. He is a funny dude. I enjoy his company more than I would've ever imagined that I could enjoy the company of my kids. Same with Anna. When I am with them, I feel love flow back and forth that is unlike anything I've ever known. They are fun to be with, and I think they're well on their way to becoming good folks. Time will tell, I suppose, but I'm proud of the work that Jeanners and I have done.
What some people who read this (is there anybody out there?) might know, and other people who read this might not know, is that Jeannie has been diagnosed with a blood cancer called Myelodysplastic Syndrome. About a year ago. It has been scary and life changing and it has affected her energy level and the amount of oxygen that is available to her organs, and has turned life a bit upside-down. Her time is spent shuttling between numerous therapies and mind/body practices, getting the kids to and from school, resting, managing an incredibly complicated diet and supplement regimen, meeting with friends, practitioners, and supporters, getting weekly blood draws and, when necessary, blood transfusions, and of course being a full-time mom and working on school applications and finding summer camps and the million other things that being a full-time parent entails. It has also caused a deep examination of the things that she keeps close in her life, the things she holds onto and the things she lets go of as she moves forward. The jury is still out as to which side of that equation I will end up on. We don't really talk much about relationship stuff anymore, but it's pretty clear that I am not on the list of people she feels safe and comfortable with. It is unclear (at least to me) whether that means she no longer wants to live with/be together with me. Though, with the diagnosis, I am at least somewhat necessary to have around. Maybe. It is pretty painful to live in that place of uncertainty, but I am at least certain of how I feel about her and the desire inside of me to stay close and provide whatever support I can until she doesn't want it anymore. I try and focus on the feelings that I have inside of me rather than trying to predict or guess or control the feelings she has (or doesn't have) inside of her. I will keep showing up until I am asked or told not to.
So the last 8 months or so has been an exercise in simultaneously holding on very tight through challenging times while at the same time learning to let go. Relearning what life is like outside of a close relationship. The last 30 years have been spent trying to figure out how to crack open my life in order to share it with another person, how to offer up what I have and how to take in and blend it with what they have. How to compromise, how to try and make one shared life that serves two very different people. And then try and figure out if they're interested in doing the same thing. It has been difficult, and painful, and joyous, and scary, and sad, and rewarding, and often unsuccessful, and if you asked me today if I would do it again I would say 'in a heartbeat'. Because I think, ultimately, it's what life's all about. Though I wish the process of getting through it all didn't hurt so much.
And then, when I get sucked into thinking about relationships, and feeling anxiety about it, and pain, then I think about the diagnosis. And then that's what matters. That's it. Whether Jeannie and I are together or not, I want her Here. I want her to feel safe and comfortable and healthy. And it's something that I have very little control over. It's something that's happening inside Jeannie's body. So then what to do becomes very clear: show up. if you see that something is needed, do that thing. if you're not sure if something is needed, ask. find the good shit that is around and take it in. make sure that you're paying attention to and really feeling that good shit. take as much off her plate as you can. listen. let go. rest when you can. see the beauty of it all. beauty exists outside of pleasant or unpleasant. outside of easy or difficult. beauty can exist in pain. find the beauty. show up some more. hold on. let go.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!!!
Link to Jeannie's CaringBridge blog is here.
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