It's the middle of the night. Actually, it's probably closer to morning, but I am not going to worry too much about the specifics of the thing. I have been lying awake worrying about various, low-level things for a few hours, and trying to meditate myself to sleep, or at least to sleepiness, without much success. I feel: wide awake, old, slightly hungry, sore, mild need-to-poop sensation (English needs a word for this), contemplative, worried, fine. That's about it. I'm about a week finished with a 3-week long work project that put my mind, body, and family through the ringer and has me questioning what the fuck I'm doing. I'm 8 months into a not-drinking project that has me wondering whether life is better with or without gin n' tonics. I've applied for a different job, had an interview, and didn't hear anything back, and that's the first time that's ever happened as far as I can remember, so that has me questioning whether I'm spinning wheels or moving forward. (I should add that I applied for the other job not because I'm necessarily unhappy at my current job, but just to find out more about the other one). I am having a hard time finding enjoyment in things, which is weird for me. I've always considered myself fairly depressive, but there's always been things that I've enjoyed or looked forward to. My current state of being is that I don't particularly feel a high (for me) level of depression or "psychic pain," but I don't feel much capacity for excitement or enjoyment, either. I guess the best way to describe it is that on a scale of 1 to 10, nearly every minute of nearly every day feels like a 4 or 5. And I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. It is bad only in that I desire 8's or 10's. My whole adult life has been driven by a practice of trying to even-out my highs and lows, to get to some Zen state of non-attachment, and while on the surface it seems like that's what's happening, if I dig a little deeper I wonder if I'm just attaching myself to the wrong things: to work, to distractions, to the pursuit of money and security, and that these attachments are leading to fear, worry, and the weird anger that has been popping up lately, and that has never been a part of my emotional landscape before.
Not sure.
I do think it's funny that in my 20's I put together a collection of songs that I called "The Middle" because I felt like I was in the middle of things.
I'm gonna try and let myself sleep, because the gears of life will begin to start grinding again in a little over an hour.
